


Who Wants to Live Forever

by CloudyWithAChanceOfCreativity



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Danny Phantom and Blue Exorcist crossover in chapter 4, He might be vaguely suicidal, He might have some sort of mental disorder.., He super old, Heavy Angst, Kuro lives tho, Rin is immortal, Rin struggles with depression, everyone dies but Rin, this is really depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 01:30:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11071233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudyWithAChanceOfCreativity/pseuds/CloudyWithAChanceOfCreativity
Summary: No one knows Rin’s name anymore.He honestly doesn’t remember when they stopped asking, or for that matter when they stopped remembering. He knows that somewhere down the line people stopped looking at him as the person he used to be and started to see something ancient and undefined. In a way, they were not wrong to look at him that way either; he was pretty damn old and he hardly counted as a simple half demon anymore.Or bits and pieces of an AU where Rin deals with life as an immortal.





	1. Chapter 1

No one knows Rin’s name anymore.

He honestly doesn’t remember when they stopped asking, or for that matter when they stopped remembering. He knows that somewhere down the line people stopped looking at him as the person he used to be and started to see something ancient and undefined. In a way, they were not wrong to look at him that way either; he was pretty damn old and he hardly counted as a simple half demon anymore.

Sometimes on his particularly dark days he thinks that it’s fitting that he’s not addressed by any real name anymore, because honestly Okumura Rin probably died with his friends and family in that first century of his life.

These days people just call him the “Blue Exorcist” and he never cares enough to correct them.

 

 

He was only fifteen when he found out he really was a demon (or half demon, he didn’t think it really mattered). 

Suddenly all the instances throughout his child hood that people, who he used to take comfort in knowing they knew nothing about him, had leered in disgust and fear that he was a demon brought on a new meaning and power over his life.

Before he dismissed the word, now though… now it stuck. It clung to him like a second skin and he feared himself just as much as everyone else could ever.

But if Okumura Rin ever had a skill that no one knew about it was acting.

His shoulders felt heavy with the world, his reflection in the mirror made him want to cry, he was always tired because he never actually slept as well as he led everyone to believe, and he was scared. 

What the hell did it mean to be half demon anyway? What secrets lie beneath his own skin besides the power of a flame he couldn’t quite control? Was there more about his own self he didn’t know about? Would he wake up one day and find out he was less human than he originally thought all over again?

It’s almost funny, unbelievable and sad in its own way, that no one ever suspected or noticed a thing. No one ever saw the million questions dancing behind his eyes and keeping him up at night. Rin was haunted by his own demon self and no one knew a thing.

As far as everyone else was concerned, Okumura Rin was that kind of guy that the world couldn’t keep down, a kid who smiled way too much and didn’t know how to take his life and all its implications seriously.

He was more than happy to encourage them to believe that.

Because the actual truth was much sadder.

 

 

When he turned twenty-one he swore he felt something inside himself switch off. 

He never figured out how to properly explain the feeling to anyone and every time he tried his friends would just shoot him a funny look. 

The best he could figure though was something was suddenly different inside him, a shift he couldn’t quite see yet.

It terrified him regardless.

 

 

He’s forty when he finally figures it out.

It’s a moment that he’ll never forget in all his years.

He was with his friends and his brother when he noticed the lines drawn across all their faces. They were all getting older and it was starting to show.

He had still felt the same though.

It scared him so much he remembers that he had suddenly excused himself, much to everyone’s concern, and ran to the bathroom.

It took them hours of trying to talk him into coming out before Ryuuji suddenly shouted something along the lines of, “To hell with it!” and picked the lock.

They found him curled up on the counter crying, keening like an animal, and staring at his face in the mirror like it’s cursed him.

“I still look twenty-one!” Rin was screaming when they hauled him away from the mirror.

There were no lines in his face.

 

 

They end up going to Mephisto, of all people, for an explanation.

They honestly didn’t expect to get a straight answer. After all everyone knew the demon liked his riddles.

It scared them all when instead of being smug like they all existed for his entertainment, he was quiet and uncharacteristically grim.

“Demons live in Assiah for as long as the bodies that house them can hold them.” Was all he said.

It was enough.

Because everyone knew Rin’s body would never deteriorate like other demons. He wasn’t possessing a body to exist in Assiah. He was the perfect mix between the two worlds.

Something inside him snapped at the realization.

He remembers Yukio holding him as he screamed and cried on the floor.

He would live forever.

He didn’t want forever.

 

 

The first of his friends to die was surprisingly Ryuugi at only fifty-eight years old.

It was a mission gone terribly wrong.

Rin held him in his arms while he died, he begged him to stay awake and pretended not to notice the light had left his eyes. He didn’t accept he was dead till they pried him off his body.

He had tried to stop the bleeding, there was so much blood, but in the end, it didn’t matter.

Help arrived much too late.

He burned his favorite blue coat to ashes after, he didn’t even want to try to get the stains out.

 

 

Konekomaru was next.

Grief over Bon’s death made him slow and uncaring. He died just months after Ryuuji.

Rin still blames the Vatican.

He knew Miwa was nowhere near ready to be going on missions again yet, he was drowning in grief and it was obvious.

He didn’t even know that he had went on a mission until he was brought back in a body bag.

Rin still isn’t sure which is worse: being there when they die or only get told long after the fact.

Miwa had been separated from the group he was with.

He died alone.

 

 

Izumo died at sixty of something as horrible and yet normal as cancer.

Rin held her hand as she flat lined.

Her last moments were spent crying.

She was in too much pain to put up a front and she didn’t want to die.

She had so much spirit left in her.

 

 

Renzou was seventy-one when he died in a car crash.

He was driving home from Rin’s house.

It had been Rin and Yukio’s birthday and they had hosted a small get together for it which had ran later than expected.

Rin hadn’t wanted to celebrate his birthday, he had started to hate the day but Yukio insisted.

Yukio was worried about the state of Rin’s mental health and thought something to cheer him up like a party was desperately in order.

Shima had insisted he could drive home just fine despite the hour and after wasting time arguing that he should just take a cab, Rin had finally relented and let him go.

He wishes he kept insisting. 

He refused to ever celebrate his and Yukio’s birthday again.

 

 

Shiemi was eighty-three.

She had been possessed by a demon, it wasn’t the most surprising death. She had always been too easy to trust.

It was easily the worst death though and the image will probably always be burned in Rin’s mind.

It held an uncanny resemblance to Shiro’s death.

Seeing it happen to one person he loved nearly destroyed him.

Seeing it twice killed something inside of him.

Rin had been slowly changing with each death but after Shiemi’s he was never the same.

 

 

Shura somehow managed to die of old age.

It was a quiet and peaceful death. She just went to sleep one night and never woke back up.

It still hurt.

 

 

Yukio was 98.

He fell down the stairs.

Rin didn’t find him till hours later. He was still alive but barely.

He had been out on a mission and came back with groceries to prepare his little brother’s, even if these days he could pass as Rin’s grandpa, favorite meal.

He dropped the food when he found him and called an ambulance. It didn't matter in the end though, he passed away a couple hours later at the hospital.

He stopped cooking after that.

He stopped caring after that.

 

 

“Blue Exorcist.”

Rin stopped walking and shifted to look over his shoulder only to get a face full of Kuro’s fur. Kuro simply switched shoulders gracefully and without comment.

Rin pretended like he didn’t just forget he had his old familiar sitting on his shoulder. 

Three thousand, five hundred and thirty-nine years old and he was still prone to being an empty minded idiot when he was hung over.

It was his birthday yesterday, and he had refused to be sober for it.

Kuro let out a low meow when it started to look like Rin was getting too deep in thought, it seemed like he did that more and more with each century. Sometimes it worked and Rin snapped out of it, other times though…times like now Rin just got distracted about something else.

In this case it was Kuro himself that caught Rin’s thoughts. Rin couldn’t help but think from time to time about how he didn’t look the same as he did in their first century together, the original cat he had been possessing had long since deteriorated as well as many more following after. This had to be well over his tenth possession by now…

Rin didn’t care as long as Kuro never left him.

He was all he had left.

“Blue Exorcist?” The person called again. One of the new higher ups Rin realized. He only knew her face though, not her name.

That wasn’t unusual though he’s bad about names these days…They were all so very temporary and sometimes it would feel like his head was just too full of faces and names. He’s not sure anymore who he should remember or who he should forget.

He supposes that it didn’t really matter either way, she was only a higher up on paper and everyone got by just fine not knowing his name so why should he bother. 

Rin didn’t really answer to anyone anymore anyway and everyone knew that. He humored them because he had nothing better to do and they pretended like they actually had power over him. It was a strange system of balance that seemed like it shouldn’t work but did somehow.

“What is it?” Rin finally replied.

“You’re needed for a new mission. Everyone they’ve sent thus far hasn’t come back.”

“I see.”

“They’re calling it a suicide mission.”

“My favorite.”


	2. People Are Like Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin struggles with his immortality and fights everyday after Yukio's death to stay sane through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has lyrics from the song Shattered by Trading Yesterday, You might want to give it a listen first as it sets the mood perfectly (though considering I wrote a whole chapter to it I suppose it obviously should). Mind you, I haven't gotten more then 3 hours of sleep in over 48 hours because I have the horrible combination of having a job and being an insomniac (and then deciding instead of sleeping like I seriously need to do, I want to try and write because a song inspired me). So I may have missed some flaws, I don't have anyone to edit this but me. Anyway if you see any please let me know! I hope you enjoy it!

_Yesterday I died_

_Tomorrow’s bleeding_

 

It ended with the sound of a shrill ongoing beep. The monitor screaming what Rin already knew in his heart, or whatever was left of it after the doctors called it and flipped the switch to end the noise.

It was the sound of a heart flat-lining, and many times Rin would later wonder if his heart flat-lined right alongside his brother’s.

Perhaps if he had any single one of his friends left, his loved ones, things would be different. But Yukio was the last one.

It wasn’t just the end of his brother’s life, it was the end of everything. The painful final straw that screamed a bitter truth.

Rin was entirely alone, and he had an eternity in that crushing loneliness.

But he remembers having a strange thought in that realization, one that seemed to haunt him right alongside their deaths for a very long time:

People, his loved ones, were like stars.

Stars burning out in a world of nothingness and taking everything with them.

 

_And the future’s open wide, beyond believing_

_To know why hope dies_

 

He didn’t want forever.

He saw no future for himself.

He had nothing to live for.

Nothing to look forward to.

Nothing to hope for.

He was empty.

Empty and Alone.

And the worst part of it all was that he would never see any of them again. There was no saying “One day I’ll die and see them again.”

It was simply a fact in his mind that they existed, and they lived, and they died. They left him and he gets to spend forever missing them.

Forever, because he’ll never be enough of a coward to end that forever for himself. Rin was never one to just lay down, and even when he’s empty he can’t help but to fight.

 

_Losing what was found_

_A world so hollow_

_Suspended in a compromise_

Each one of their deaths took a piece of him with them and with each piece the world in all its beauty and brilliant colors faded.

It was like he had suddenly stepped into a muted world of faded colors. The reality, the bitter hard truths of life that had always been there, always followed him suddenly had more weight.

He used to be able to smile and shake it off. He had had his friends, his loved ones, to distract him and help him carry the burdens of life. But now where there used to be others to help him hold up the world and never stop seeing the wonder in it, there was no one.

Rin was suddenly left alone to carry the world on his shoulders and god was it heavy.

So unbearably heavy.

Rin felt like he was drowning.

He couldn’t ever seem to remove what felt like a hole in his chest. It was an awful feeling that constricted his throat and weighed his head down.

He felt so tired of it all and he knew it was only just beginning.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no end in sight.

He just wanted to curl in a ball and stop feeling. To just stop caring because it hurt so damn much.

_As reason clouds my eyes_

_With splendor fading_

 

Time brought so many things.

It brought fear of forgetting them, himself, and what the world used to look like to him.

And yet in the same vein; it brought relief for the same reasons.

He didn’t want to forget them or who he used to be, because they were the foundation of which he was built upon, they were his whole world. But forgetting them, forgetting himself, it made the pain go away. Each faded memory was like remembering how to breathe again, but only for a moment because the next was filled with so much heartache and fear.

Because he was forgetting.

He was forgetting.

If he forgot, who then would remember?

It was an endless battle ground in his heart and it was destroying everything.

It was destroying Rin.

Rin couldn’t tell you exactly when he stopped fighting the fading memories.

When he stopped caring, when he let them go, let himself go.

When he buried them in his mind, so they could finally rest with their bodies which had long since turned to ash.

He does know that the last of the light the world held in his eyes left with those memories he no longer had the will to desperately cling to.

He was hollow, and the world was dull and empty.

 

_Illusions of the sunlight_

 

But Rin never did know how to lay down and just give up.

So, he filled his emptiness with work.

He became the greatest exorcist to ever walk the face of earth.

As he should be, he had an eternity to perfect himself.

Who could compete with that?

 

_And a reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_

 

Sometimes though, moments would flash across his mind and dance right behind his eyelids.

Faded memories he shoved away to the farthest corners of his mind.

“You have us Rin, you’ll never be alone.”

“We’ll always be here for you.”

Liars. All of them.

_With love gone for so long_

How long since he felt warm, safe, happy?

With the power of the blue flames in the palm of his hand, you think he wouldn’t feel so cold inside.

But then again, his flames were no longer warm.

Rin couldn’t tell exactly when they too changed, he saved someone though. He can’t remember who, or even from what he was saving them, but he remembers their face. They had cringed when he covered them with his flames, shivered.

They compared it to being dumped into a pool of the coldest ice…They said they’d never felt as cold as they did in that moment.

Rin wasn’t sure what that meant.

It scared him for a moment, but then it faded like everything else does.

_And this day’s ending_

_Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know_

_Knowing that faith is all I hold_

There was something in this world worth protecting, right?

Sometimes Rin would wake up and find he couldn’t remember what he had been fighting for all this time.

On those days, he had to seek out someone else to remind him.

To tell him in words what his name was and who he was, because he forgot that sometimes too.

Rin envied the way Samuel pulled the strings of time rather than let time pull him.

Time ruled over Rin and everything he was.

Time was shattering him, fracturing him to a billion pieces.

It scared him, but then again maybe not.

It was hard to tell what he felt anymore.

 

_And I’ve lost who I am_

_And I can’t understand_

_Why my heart is so broken_

“Kuro, I forgot again.”

“What was my name? I know it’s not Blue Exorcist. What was it?”

“Why does my chest feel so numb and heavy?”

“It’s broken? Do you mean my heart? What broke it?”

“Who broke it?”

“Who broke me?”

 

_Without, Love gone wrong_

_Lifeless words carry on_

He was practically a legend.

Rin would walk in a room and watch as the excitement, the very spirit that Rin thinks he once held for the world, hush.

Instantly traded for silent fear and reverence at the same time.

“It’s the Blue Exorcist.” He would hear them whisper, or those who had seen him enough would remain in silence, intimidated by his presence and all that came with it.

On his bad days, he’d ask Samuel what that title meant.

He’d always get the same answer.

“You’re an exorcist Rin, and everything about you is colored in shades of blue. It only makes sense.”

The words seemed rehearsed at that point. The conversation like an endless time loop, it kept coming back because Rin’s bad days were becoming more frequent with each year that passed.

An exorcist.

That was what he was, but he didn’t see any more why he cared enough to be one.

It seemed pointless.

 

_Who I am from the start_

_Take me home to my heart_

He must have looked really pitiful.

He must of.

So, pitiful that not even Samuel could turn a blind eye to the cracks making their way across Rin’s very being.

He gave Rin a single moment to go home again. Just a moment.

It was all he needed.

Just a short trip into the past to see, to remember those foundations he was built upon, the foundations that had long since started to turn to ruble and ruin.

The old man made such a funny face when he saw him, his younger self of the time was off god knows where.

He held Rin close though, when he looked into his eyes.

He cried too.

Rin had never seen him cry.

It took Rin a moment to realize he was crying because he was taking some of Rin’s pain, no father should have to see his son’s eyes look so broken.

Rin had forgotten what it felt like to have someone care enough about him to cry for him.

He had to say goodbye eventually though.

It hurt.

But it was probably better to hurt than to feel nothing at all.

Rin was so tired of forgetting.

 

_All this time spent in vain_

_Wasted years_

_Wasted gain_

So many years of trying to forget, to bury the pain. All it got him was more pain and broke him more.

In all that time, he forgot something so basic.

Something he had learned in his teen years.

He didn’t have to do everything alone.

He was only as alone as he made himself be.

People live and die so fast, their lives so brief.

Rin thinks despite that though that maybe he had gotten it wrong from the beginning: Yes, people were like stars, but not because they burned in nothingness, or left holes in people’s hearts when they left.

People were like stars because they shined so brightly and if only just for a moment made the universe feel that much warmer and full.

_All is lost, hope remains_

_And this war is not over._

The world didn’t magically get better, or burst into color again in an instant.

It was a gradual shift as Rin pieced himself back together.

A color here and there would flash in the corner of his eyes and his lips would almost pull into a smile.

It stopped taking his bad days to sit and have some tea with Samuel which will probably never stop being weird in some form or another to Rin since once upon a time he hated him.

He’d stop and chat with people from time to time and occasionally do something reckless and impulsive because he needed to remember how to feel alive again.

 Slowly his flames started to regain some of their former warmth too, and that warmth traveled, snaking its way through the frosted veins that had become Rin’s heart.

It wasn’t anything extreme in change other than the fact that Rin was trying again, a shift in the way the gears of his mind turned.

It was hard and it took several long years of working to change the way he thought, the bad days still came too but Rin was sure that they always probably would.

It was the human in him that hurt sometimes, he understood that now, but he had come to the realization of how so very worth any amount of pain all of it was, because at the very least now he had finally remembered the most important thing he forgot:

He had always loved the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am half way done with a chapter fully going over the moment when Rin finds out he is immortal, I also plan to write a chapter going into Rin and Samuel's relationship and how the little tea time tradition of theirs starts. If any of you guys have ideas or things you want to see let me know, I'm enjoying these little drabbles and am always open to ideas (I made a little list from recommendations in the comments and the inspiration for Samuel becoming more important in Rin's life comes from a lot of you guys wanting to see that). Now, with that being said, off to bed I go.


	3. Take It Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rin has way too many panic attacks/ episodes (If you're prone to that you may not want to read). I write several parts at different times in varying states of not enough sleep and attempt to string it together and ultimately give up on it being a beautiful flowing piece and slap it together like a kindergartener's art project. And Rin struggles with realizing he is immortal.

 

It all starts off as an ordinary day.

His last ordinary day really.

Rin woke up, a little early for his liking but he has a job so it can’t be helped, and made himself and Kuro breakfast. Sometimes his brother or even some of his friends would come over and join him because everyone knows nobody cooks quite like Rin, but today it was just a quiet breakfast alone with him and his demon cat (Yukio would kill him if he heard Rin flippantly dismiss the actual classification of what Kuro is in favor of something so stupid sounding, but come on he’s totally a demon and he’s a cat).

He got dressed, he went to work, and he had a long and frankly weird day because demons are bizarre little shits and no exorcism runs as smoothly as initially promised.

And after all that, when he’s dragging his feet through the doorway of his home and wondering what he should do with the handful of hours he has on hand before he has to do the whole thing over again, he gets a call from his friends to come over.

It’s as he’s sitting in Izumo’s living room (She’s got the nicest place of them all somehow) with a drink in hand and listening to good ol’ Eyebrows complain about them barging into her house again (she could kick their asses into the next week if she really didn’t want them there) that he comes to a horrible revelation that changes the entire course of his life.

He’s in his forties but he doesn’t feel old, at most he’s bored by the whole routine life thing or maybe even disappointed that being an adult is not as fun as it seems as a kid or teenager (in fact it kind of sucks).

But old? No.

He’s pretty sure he doesn’t look like it either.

Looking around though he feels his stomach knot and twist. It’s a strange feeling he can’t quite put his finger on right away but he knows it’s familiar. Whatever it is makes his heart sink with dread and twist his mouth into a frown.

It’s a piece of knowledge, a blank space in his mind, that’s he’s missing yet knows he won’t like when he finally figures it out. He almost doesn’t want to honestly, the feeling is so awful, he could only guess that it would get worse once he truly knows.

Ignorance is bliss and all that…

But it comes unbiddenly on its own. A forceful revelation as he looks around and takes in the wrinkles lining his friends faces or even the array of white and gray hairs that seem to be slowly taking over that of their original hair colors.

Rin doesn’t even wait for there to be a polite moment to excuse himself from the conversation (he’s never been known for politeness anyway) before he’s practically slamming his drink on the table and nearly tripping over Shiemi’s feet in his rush to reach a mirror.  

Shima yells something in alarm after him and he thinks he hears Shiemi get up and follow him in concern. He just barely notices that he slammed and locked the door on Shiemi’s face and he feels bad for that but not enough to open the door back up and apologize because he thinks he feels the beginnings of a panic attack building and he’s not even sure if he’s being ridiculous for it yet. Either way it’s not something he wants anyone to see.

The image that looks back at him in the mirror does nothing to calm his heart that feels like it’s rearing to start a race. It does not make the animalistic whine claw its way back down his throat where it belongs and it most certainly does not help him feel like he can breathe again.

Because his hair is the same full shade of blueish black it’s always been, not a single speck of white or gray has snuck its way in and made itself at home.

His skin is as youthful as it’s always been too, in fact now that he thinks about it, someone _did_ mistake him as a teenager just the other day.

He looks untouched by time, and the weird feeling tugs inside of him again. It’s louder and clearer in his mind.

He looks like he’s twenty-one, and he knows that feeling.

It’s the feeling of a flip being switched off, the feeling of a stone unmoved by the current of the stream it sits in, or a clock breaking so it no longer tells time.

He doesn’t even realize he’s been sitting on the counter clutching his head and crying, or that he’s been sitting like that for hours now, until he feels Bon hauling him off it.

He thinks he says something.

Yeah, he diffidently said something because Shiemi responds.

“Lines in your face? Rin what are you talking about? What’s he talking about? Rin are you ok?”

_No I’m not ok. I don’t think I’m getting any older._

“Of course he ain’t ok! He’s been sitting in the bathroom for hours ignoring us!”

_Bon thinks I was ignoring them? But I wasn’t in there that lo-wait hours? Were they calling for me? Did I not hear them?_

“He’s crying! Rin what’s wrong?! Are you injured? Tell me where it hurts!”

_My heart hurts._

“Why isn’t he responding?”

_I can’t, I don’t have the energy. I feel heavy._

“Everyone back off you’re making it worse!”

_Bless you Izumo._

“Nii-san?”

“Oi, Yukio what’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know let’s get him on the couch.”

“What do you mean you don’t kno-

“-should we take him to the-”

“-seriously concerned now-”

“Why is he just laying-”

“-calling Shur-”

-

-

-

“It’s like he doesn’t hear us.”

 

“Rin?”

Rin blinks, the view of a plain white ceiling fills his vision. How long has he been staring at it?

“Nii-san?”

The room shifts and rolls as he turns his head, it takes a moment to adjust his eyes. When he finally processes what he sees he feels a cold sweat break out across his skin and his throat seems to constrict.

He’s embarrassed because here he lays surrounded by all his friends, even Shura is here and he knows she wasn’t before. And they don’t just look concerned, they look scared for him.

There’s a huge blank space in his mind and it’s clearly late because the sun has long since disappeared. Based on the last thing he remembers it hadn’t even set yet.

He must have had an episode.

The old man was the only one who ever saw one of Rin’s episodes before now and never did specify what those looked like, but Rin always did get the gist that they were scary from the outside looking in.

He even came-to a couple times with him clutching his hand and stroking his hair like Rin was a little kid again and was terrifyingly sick. Yukio got that way once, it was quite a sad sight watching his dad stumble over himself in fear for Yukio’s health. Their dad wasn’t one to stumble or appear afraid unless it was bad.

So, what had caused this episode?

What did he last remember?

 

He was going to the bathroom.

He was in a rush.

He was upset.

Lines? White and Gray? The Mirror??

‘There are no lines on my face.’ The sentence echoes in his mind like a distorted version of his own voice and he can’t help the sharp inhale that follows as it bounces around in his head.

“Hey, Rin. Stay with us this time.”

When Rin focuses his vision back on his friends, it’s with surprise that he realizes it was Bon who said that.

“Rin, tell us what’s wrong, so we can help.” Shiemi adds as she twiddles her fingers together nervously.

“Don’t rush him.” Bon almost immediately interjects with a bit of an edge to his comment.

Rin can’t help but compare Shiemi with a tomato as her face reddens and she practically stumbles over herself trying to explain how “she would never” and he almost wants to laugh at how Izumo jumps into reassure her and snap at Bon for being rude, but his heart is far too heavy in his chest for anything even closely resembling a laugh to come out.

“I think I’m broken.” Rin barely manages to say, it’s more of a whisper that comes out of mouth than anything. Yet somehow, it’s enough and it’s heard.

“The hell you mean yer broken kid?”

And of course, Shura is the first one with something to say, but despite the harshness of her words her face is oddly soft with concern in the way it only ever gets when Rin’s or Yukio’s health and safety is on the line.

“I don’t know.”

 

 

It’s the following morning when Yukio comes up with the idea to speak with Mephisto.

After Rin’s episode the night before no one had really wanted to push him for answers, for the most part everyone had agreed that it would be best to let him rest.

He wasn’t very talkative anyway, if anything it had seemed like a challenge for him to string together a single sentence.

So, when everyone was up and aware and Rin finally seemed somewhat normal again, they asked their questions.

Rin himself didn’t seem entirely sure of what was going on either, the best he could provide as an explanation was that he had come upon the idea that he wasn’t aging right. He dismissed it with a smile and assured everyone that he must have had one too many drinks and that it was stupid.

Had Yukio not known any better he would have thought Rin was fine now and bought into his dismissal of hours’ worth of panic and concern on everyone’s part.

However, Yukio was steadfast in his belief that Rin wouldn’t openly fall apart in front of anyone unless the situation was bad enough to elicit the response against his will. Rin was the poster boy for pretending he was fine.

So, if he couldn’t pretend…

Something had to be wrong.

 

 

Something was wrong.

Rin had thought it, but he had hoped he was wrong.

But the confirmation was there in the way Mephisto’s face darkened, the way he didn’t smile or gloat at their lack of knowledge when Yukio explained the situation.

It was there in the way Mephisto opened his mouth and instead of hearing words Rin’s mind only comprehended static.

There in the way he knew what he said but couldn’t process the words, how he was on the floor throwing up his breakfast without remembering even hitting his knees.

There in the way his friend’s faces were all so pale and standing suddenly seemed a challenge for everyone.

In the way he was screaming and crying and Yukio was holding him and when did that happen?

When did he become so unstable that he suddenly couldn’t control himself?

It couldn’t be that bad, right? His mind was just over reacting, right?

But even as he tried to put himself back together, his mind stumbled and strained as it tried to wrap around the concept of forever. He almost wanted to throw up again because forever was too much.

It was a suffocating concept he wasn’t ready to handle.

 

 

“Rin!”

Rin jumped as he felt hands clamp down on his shoulder and realized someone was shaking him, “Bon?” he meant to speak like normal, but what came out was barely a whisper and crackling with heart ache.

For a moment no one said a thing, which was probably for the best because Rin doesn’t remember them returning to his house. He doesn’t remember the trip, he doesn’t remember leaving that clown’s office, all he knows is he’s apparently sitting in one of the chairs in his kitchen and that he’s probably been staring at the wall for who knows how long.

All his friends are here though and his brother is sitting next to him with his hand on his arm. How long had Yukio’s hand been clutching his arm? He must be upset, he’s holding on so tightly.

Rin hadn’t felt it till now.

Bon still has his hands on his shoulder, he looks like he wants to cry.

For some reason Rin’s mind is a fog, what had he been thinking about? Why does everyone look so sad?

He doesn’t remember.

His eyes are itchy and his face feels so stiff. There’s a lump in his throat making it hard to swallow and he feels so very drained.

Was he crying?

Why?

“Nii-san…”

He feels broken.

“Talk to us Rin.” Bon says almost desperately, “Please, just say something…”

“I don’t want it…” Rin finally manages, it comes out as a sob with the words slipping by unfiltered. He doesn’t even know what he himself means for a moment before it all seems to slam into him, the last couple hours that up until a moment ago he had made a point to block.

“I don’t want it!” He screams next, somewhere in the back of his mind he wonders if he sounds like a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum, but then again maybe he’s entitled that.

“You don’t want what?” Bon asks, eyes never leaving Rin’s.

 If Rin didn’t know him he would think him calm, but the slight shake in the rumble that is Ryuji’s voice is as noticeable as an alarm to Rin’s ears. He can see all the fractures breaking across his friend’s façade, but he can’t even comfort him because he’s breaking too.

“I don’t want immortality, I don’t want it! I don’t want to live forever, I don’t want to watch you all die, I don’t WANT IT!” Rin screams as he surges up from the chair, his knee slams into the table on the way up but he ignores the throb it brings. It doesn’t hurt as much as his heart does, not by a long shot.

It’s a heavy feeling that settles on his shoulders, a great need to just escape.

Air, he needs air. He needs to get out.

He can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

He’s going to live forever, and he can’t breathe.

Maybe if he suffocates now it would save him pain later.

Maybe he should find a bridge and- no he’d never be able to do that.

He shouldn’t do that.

But it’s never been so tempting before. Like a siren calling to the sailors at sea, jump in and drown yourself, you’ll only get eaten if you manage to make it to shore.

He doesn’t want it.

Why is this happening to him?

What did he do to deserve it?!

He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t-

“Nii-san!”

Rin hates this.

He hates every part of this.

How long has he worked so hard to pretend like he’s untouchable by the shit life keeps slinging at him? He’s had his act down to a T and honestly, he thought at the rate he was going that no one he didn’t want to see him break (which is no one at all, ever) would.

And yet here he is practically slumped over his kitchen table, hyperventilating and squirming like he’s having some kind of seizure. He feels like his body is on fire and yet at the same time he feels a rush of cold spreading its way down his back like someone had dumped a whole cup of ice down his shirt.

His heart feels like it’s going to leap out of his chest and the walls feel like they’re closing in, the floor must be giving way beneath his feet so he can fall into nothingness. They must be because he doesn’t feel like he’s standing on solid ground.

He barely has the awareness to register that he’s having a particularly nasty panic attack right here in front of his friends…again. That would make three in the last twenty-four hours. Up until then he could have said that his record was none. But this one is different; the last two he was somewhere between catatonic and vocal now it was just violent.

He feels someone lift him off the table and someone else pull his hands away from the already healing scratches he’s started to carve across his face at some point. For a moment, his head just screams at that, or maybe he’s screaming out loud, either way all his brain can process touch as is danger danger danger-

And then strong arms wrap around him and a relaxing floral scent feels his nose.

Someone’s telling him to breathe.

And he tries, he really does.

But his breath comes in as shaky, hiccups and stutters halting the air flow, and he doesn’t feel like he’s getting enough air so he sucks in another panicked gasp as he feels his heart stutter too fast.

He feels like he’s falling.

His head is light and the world is spinning.

And it starts all over again because he can’t.

He can’t breathe.

He doesn’t want immortality.

Take it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to write something happier for next chapter. I'm sorry I seem to specialize in depressing.


	4. The Weird Guy Next Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know there are a bunch of ideas you guys have suggested and I haven't written in awhile (and this is kind of short) but I hit a bit of a writers block lately and it seems a short and extremely weird idea is what I needed to get out of it. I don't know if you guys are going to like this...It's kind of a weird crossover but if you guys do like it I wouldn't mind writing more. 
> 
> Short explanation without giving anything away:
> 
> I saw fan art on tumblr a while ago and it kinda stewed in my mind after that (because I'm also a fan of this character turning out to be immortal too and they do have a lot of similarities). 
> 
> Also this prompt I saw on tumblr: I accidentally set your plant on fire and I felt super guilty so I went to the store to buy you another plant but they ran out of the plant you liked so I may or may not have bought you enough plants to fill a small greenhouse
> 
> This is (as promised) for once not a depressing chapter so your heart is safe.

Rin has moved a lot in his life time. There’s almost always a hundred and one different reasons why but the biggest one is usually that things just get old when you’re around as long as he is. And well, that’s why he’s moving again now.

The thing is he’s lived in every kind of place surrounded by just about every kind of person so currently he’s a bit dumb-founded that anyone can still manage to surprise him. Like say his strange new neighbor that apparently no one in the apartment building wants to even share a floor with let alone talk to him.

He knew the price he was paying was suspiciously low considering the quality of the room. And ok honestly, he really should have noticed that there was no one else on the floor before signing the lease. But his phone started to go off, his bosses were clamoring about some crazy demon, shit happened and he was in a rush so he didn’t look into it as well as he should of before agreeing to take it.

Regardless if the guy is a threat Rin had figured he can take him in a fight easily so he carried on like he hadn’t made a mistake or done something stupid.

Now after a long day of work he’s kind of regretting that decision.

 

 

His mystery neighbor looks guilty standing right outside Rin’s door with a whole array of plants surrounding his feet and filling out at least half the hall. Rin doesn’t even know where to start.

“Why do you have an army of plants outside my room Mr-”

“Fenton…I’m Danny Fenton.” He laughs nervously as he runs a hand through his hair.

Rin can’t help but notice Danny won’t look him in the eye.

“I-uh…I just realized we never… I never introduced myself so…yeah.” Danny trails off before finally looking up at Rin. “Just call me Danny.” He says as he offers his hand to shake.

Rin was almost sure that no one did that anymore but he plays along like it’s still a perfectly normal thing to do, “I’m Rin and…I can’t reach your hand.” He says as he looks pointedly down at the rows of plants in between them.

“Oh yeah…” Danny laughs, “I already forgot about those.”

“I struggle to see how. You are literally surrounded by plants.”

“Ah, yeah about that…” Danny looks down at the plants for a moment then glances back up at Rin with a sheepish smile, “I accidentally set one of your plants on fire and I felt really bad about it so I went to this one plant store down the street to buy you a new one…”

Rin glances at all the plants again with a raised eyebrow, there are so many unanswered questions here but, “I don’t own a plant like any of these…”

“Right, well you see the store was out of the plant you had and I didn’t know what kind of plant you like so…”

“You bought all of them.” Rin finished.

“Not all of them…”

“Oh, sorry my mistake.” Rin says sarcastically, “You just bought most of them.”

Danny opens his mouth as if to say something but then just smiles awkwardly and shrugs. They both stand in silence for a moment before Danny finally says, “Probably…” nearly under his breath.

Rin just sighs before dragging a hand down his face. “I have two plants, both of which are _inside_ my apartment. So, if you could please explain how exactly you got to be in my room and with something evidently highly flammable in the first place that would be great.” When Rin finally looks back up at Danny he can't help but pause.

Danny has such a clear deer in the headlights look that Rin almost feels the urge to laugh bubble up his throat. He swallows it.

“Or even better: why?” Rin continues.

Danny actually flinches, the words busted practically written all over his face. He looks like he would make an escape if there was any space on the ground to run. Which come to think of it: how did he get all the plants up here like that?

“Um…ah…well…curiosity?” Danny says nervously. His smile looks strained at this point; it stretches across his face in a near deranged way and screams ‘please don’t dig any further”.

“Curiosity…” Rin shoots Danny the deadest look he has in his arsenal, “You broke into my apartment and set my plant on fire out of curiosity.”

Danny lets lose some poor imitation of a laugh, “The fire was an accident.”

“How?” Rin nearly exclaims, his voice strained in disbelief.

“I’m flammable?”

“What?”

“I- I really have no better explanation other than I thought I saw a ghost go into your room.” Danny says in a rush.

“A ghost…” Rin rubs his temples, he wasn’t ready to deal with this shit upon coming home today. “Ok…you know what? How about you just never go into my apartment again and take all these plants back because I don’t own a green house and this is ridiculous.” 

Danny frantically nods his head before stooping down to pick up a plant.

“Except that one. I like it, I need a new plant apparently, and it looks cool.” Rin says right before Danny actually lifts it.

Danny smiles and sets it aside, “Any other ones you want to keep or no?”

“Nope, just that one.” Rin’s mouth twitches at the corners for a moment.

Danny smiles wider in response and gets to work on clearing a path so Rin can at least get to his room.

 

 

Later that night when Rin is lying in his bed staring at his new plant and the charred remains of his old one he actually smiles.

Danny is actually kind of amusing and there’s something about him that makes Rin feel…well he can’t quite put his finger on it, but if he had to try to describe it…

He’d say he doesn’t feel so old standing next to Danny.

Maybe he’ll talk to him again tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I do not remember the actual artist, I just googled it and found it that way so if anyone knows let me know but this is the fan art I was talking about: 
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c4/b9/92/c4b9922fe31e046ec012c4f8f986ddc3.png
> 
> Let me know what you guys think and if there's any mistakes I missed, thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't really edited, I kind of just wrote up the idea within an hour or two and then skimmed it before posting. I haven't written any thing in at least six months too so I'm a little rusty. I might make a chapter story about 3,539 year old Rin's life if people want. I have lots of ideas. Lots of pain. Constructive feedback welcome and if you see a typo or I get my tenses jacked up please let me know! Thanks for reading!


End file.
